Me either, girl!

OMG! It IS our fault!

Confronting Daniel

I looked at Daniel, and we needed to talk. There were things that needed to be discussed, and the thought of doing so made me physically weak. This was my best friend in the world, and at the same time my worst. He had taken care of me for many, many years. But at the same time, he had made my life a living hell.

"Hi, Daniel," I said, smiling faintly, but trying to maintain an emotional distance. Thinking to myself, "Yeah, hi there, you two-faced piece of shit."

"What's the matter, my friend? You seem kind of upset." He looked at me like he was genuinely surprised, but I wasn't quite sure. I had known him my entire life, but I realized I no longer trusted him.

Normally I would have steered the conversation to more pleasant topics, things that wouldn't even approach the realm of conflict. But I needed answers, and I needed them now. "I AM upset, Daniel. You've ruined my life. All these years down the drain, thanks to you."

Again, that same surprised look on his face, that same sense within me that he knew everything, and I knew nothing. "Now, don't blame me for all YOUR problems. That isn't exactly fair," he said, with the ever familiar air of superiority. Well, maybe not superiority... authoritarian, maybe?

"When I look at my life, Daniel, a lot of discontent and unhappiness seems to lead right back to you." I was completely serious; I blamed him for everything. He had a lot of control over me, and I had let him. I was not a strong person, but I knew that things would soon be changing. I was 26 and suicidal, and if things were going to get better, it had to start with Daniel.

"Well, I'm just saying, maybe the root of your unhappiness lies somewhere other than me." He stared at me the same way he always had; normally I would just take his word for it and accept his opinion as my own.

"For instance?" I inquired, with a look that surprised not only him, but me as well. I had never spoken to him this way, and it felt empowering to do so.

"What about your father? Or maybe even your mother? Maybe you just got some really rotten breaks." His attitude seemed to change slightly, less defensive and perhaps a little genuine.

"You're right". I hate it when he's right. "My relationship with my father has always been rocky, and my mother's alcoholism certainly didn't help." I couldn't help but empathize with my father a little bit.

"Do you think your relationships with your parents are related to why you've been so driven to eat?" I was much more like my mother than I would have liked.

My self-hate came crashing in on me yet again. "I have a really ugly body. My arms are fat. My legs are fat. My belly is enormous. I even have trouble finding shoes that fit, I'm so god-damned fat." Pathetic, yes, but still true.

"Listen, your fat is not all bad." Now this statement I just couldn't believe at all. What the hell was he thinking?

"Oh, yeah, well tell me how it has helped me!", I shot back at him looking at him like he had suddenly had grown a third arm.

"Well, I let you get fat because it protected you. It keeps people away from you, and hides the inner you from the world. It's also a strong barrier to physical threats. You know how physical confrontation terrifies you. It always has, ever since you were young. Why is that?"

"I don't know. I guess by being fat, I would never be small and helpless again. And people leave me alone."

"You're right, you know. But there's more to it than that. Think."

I knew he was right. But I couldn't remember much, just a few isolated incidences. There were years of unhappy childhood memories locked up somewhere in my subconscious. Locked up safe where I didn't have to remember. But now I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember what was causing all the fear. I wanted to remember what happened, so I could understand what Daniel had been protecting me from all those years.

Daniel continued, "And what about sex?"

"Huh?"

"What about sex? That scares you, too, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does."

"Why does it scare you?"

"I'm afraid I might be gay."

"Oh, my god. You said it. You actually said it!"

"Do you think I'm gay?", I asked.

"Oh, yeah. I've always known it. I know you better than anyone. Probably better than you know yourself."

Again, he was right. I could hide things from myself, but I could never hide anything from him. "Well, yeah, but if anyone found out, I'd die ten times over. If, and I do mean if, I'm gay, my world will turn upside down."

"You say "if". What do you mean?"

"I mean that I don't know. I mean, ever since I can remember, I was more interested in men than women. I've tried to be attracted to women, but it just doesn't happen. But I've never had sex, with a girl or guy. So can I actually be gay?"

"Being gay is a lot more than sex. And it's one of the things I've tried to protect you from for a long time now. You became non-sexual. You could pretend that you were straight. And that was only way you could survive in the world that you know."

"But I don't want to be! I want to get married. I desperately want to have kids! I don't want to be a faggot."

"Just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to be a so-called faggot. Your friend John is gay, and he seems really normal."

"I know, I was really attracted to him."

"See what I mean, you are gay."

"But what about The Church? I'd be excommunicated! I love The Church! I've been through the Temple, for goodness sake. I've been a member for almost eleven years! Most of my friends are Mormon. I could never come out of the closet. Heck, I'm not even sure that I'm in the closet."

"You're in the closet, all right."

Visions of past crushes went through my mind - various male celebrities, my ninth grade geography teacher, that doctor at the hospital's physical therapy department, back when I was a volunteer.

"But the Church is so opposed to homosexuality! They say it's a sin as grievous as adultery."

"Do you believe that?"

"Well, as I understand it, I can only sin if I choose to. I did not choose to be gay. Given the choice, I'd rather be straight! I want to get married. I want kids! If I'm gay, that will never happen!"

"No, it probably won't. But you absolutely cannot get married just to do it. It wouldn't be fair to her. Or the kids. They deserve a better situation that having a closeted gay man as a husband and father."

"Well, Daniel, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to accept this and learn to live with it. Please don't protect me anymore. I want to lose weight so I can feel normal. And alive. And sexual. And happy. God, I want to be happy again."

"Okay. If that's what you want."

"It's what I want."

I looked back into the mirror and in spite of my tears, smiled, really smiled, for the first time in years.

Finally Exmormon

You've been a Mormon for most of your life, now.
Open your eyes, let the guilt slip away.
You studied the history, and questioned the doctrine.
Hiding your tears, from the church walked away.
Don't need the priesthood, don't have to pretend.
The lies are behind you, the deception undone.

They told me that Joseph was really a prophet,
Sold me a sickness, gave me a cure.
I went to church and followed them blindly.
They had all the answers, of this I was sure.

Please understand that it's still strange and frightening.
For someone like I was, it's so much to say:
Finally ExMormon, I found the real me.
No longer a Mormon, free from their plan!

They don't give me orders, no callings to serve.
The lies are behind me, the deception undone.
Learning how to be more the person inside me,
ExMormon at last!

Comments on my Patriarchal Blessing

Brother Daniel _____, by authority of the holy priesthood which I bear and in the name of Jesus Christ, I place my hands upon your head and give unto you a patriarchal blessing. This, blessing shall be a comfort and a guide unto you throughout all of your days. It represents those things that you can achieve in life and throughout the eternities as long as you ever strive to do your best in all things, keeping the commandments of the Lord and praying regularly that His spirit may abide with you always.

You are a blessed individual. At this time in your life being at this university will continue to be a wonderful experience and a blessing for you. You were born in the spirit world of God the Father and you had an eternal mother. You were valiant in that sphere and earned the right to come to the earth and work out your salvation. You were born of good parents here. They loved you and nurtured you and within the limits of their understanding (poor unfortunate gentiles) taught you many things that you should know. You do owe them a great deal and should honor them in every way you can. (This actually did help me forgive my parent's imperfections and see them as human.)

Do your genealogy work and endeavor to get your family organized in that work. As you gather names and dates and other data, you will be blessed and your family will be blessed. It will keep you together, and you will learn who your ancestors were and know that they were part of your family. You will learn about them and come to know them as individuals and that their blood is also running through your veins. (I actually loved researching my genealogy. I found it quite enjoyable.) Remember this. (I still wonder why he added this.)

You will be blessed while here at school that your mind will be open and alert, that you may assimilate those things that you should know, that you may he attentive, that you may learn to be industrious and not be idle, that you will develop habits that will be of great benefit unto you throughout your life. (Well, not so much. We played much more than we studied. I really loved my freshman year at BYU.) The courses you are taking will be of great benefit as you endeavor later to earn a livelihood. It will be a maturing process for you. In your religious studies you will be blessed, blessed with a curiosity of the scriptures, that you may read them and study and memorize them, that they may become part of you. Your tongue will be loosed that you may teach well, that you may explain the gospel. As you do these things, you will learn to love the Lord and depend upon Him that He may walk by your side.

You are a righteous son in the tribe of Ephraim. You will offer a great contribution unto that tribe as it pursues it objectives of gathering Israel from the four corners of the earth, for you will be a missionary throughout all of your days, a good missionary. (Not so much.) You will be attuned to the gospel and have an understanding heart that will lead you to those who are awaiting the gospel message. Many will be baptized as a result of your efforts. (Again, not so much. Thank goodness.) Now you will have a desire and will be called upon a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ. (Puerto Rico) The way will be paved that you may accomplish this mission without being a great burden upon anyone. You will be blessed on that mission. You will love it. (Hated every minute.) You will love the people of the mission. You will walk with the spirit and be led to the doors of the righteous. You will have much success. (Wrong again.) The mission will proceed so rapidly that you will not want to return hone when the time is up. (Wrong again.) You will become a leader to further the overall mission efforts. (Nope.) You will be blessed with diligence that you may work productively. Many will be baptized as a result of your efforts and many seeds will be sewn for others to reap. (Nope.) When you return from that mission you will realize how important it has been even in your own life, because you will have matured and grown. Decisions will be easier for you to make. You will know how to call upon the Lord and know how your prayers are answered. Your pathways will be made easier. You will be able to walk forward, deviating not to the right nor to the left but toward those objectives that you know to be yours. The Lord will help you formulate them.

The time will come when you will take a righteous daughter of Eve to the temple of the Lord and there you will be married for time and all eternity. (Wow, Brother Patriarch, you must have smokin' somthin'.) You are blessed that you will come to know such a daughter. (Son, maybe. Still haven't found him.) You are blessed with great love in that marriage, that it will be the beginning of a celestial kingdom, even here upon the earth. You are blessed with selflessness that you may give and give, that you may treat that daughter of Eve as a queen. (Queen, really?) As you do these things, that love will be returned unto you tenfold. The Lord will give you righteous spirits to bring forth into the world and to raise. (Not from my loins, thankyouverymuch.) You are blessed that you will be a good father and a strong patriarch in your home, that you may raise these sons and daughters in righteousness, that you may exercise that leadership which is so necessary as these precious souls are raised to maturity. Truly they will bring you joy for the pathways that they choose to follow and the success that they will achieve in those righteous pathways.

You are blessed that as you struggle (Struggle? Damn!) to earn a living, that you will find pursuits that are good for you, that you will enjoy. You will have the means to take care of your earthly needs and to share with others and to share with the Lord. You will have one day a home of your own to take care of your family. This will bring you peace.

You are blessed that you may understand the word of wisdom in its fullness. You will be given the fortitude that you need to live that word of wisdom, that you ever may be healthy and strong, strong in body and strong in mind, that you may have energy each day to do all things that you need to do. You are blessed that you will even learn of the secrets of the word of wisdom, things that you need personally and that your family needs. In addition to adhering to those rules and laws, you will be able to teach them unto your family and to others that they also may enjoy the benefits therefrom. (Let's see. I've been known to drink, I smoke a carton a week, and have tried a few other things along the way.)

You are blessed with courage, the courage to stand up and be counted, the courage of your convictions, (true) the courage to lead the way in righteousness, to do what you know to be right regardless of the enticings of others, and the courage to speak up that others may know how you stand. (true) As a result of these things others will follow your example, for your light will shine and it will be seen.

You are blessed that your speaking ability will ever mature and develop, that you may be successful before congregations of people. The spirit will be with you and you will be given the words as you need them. All of this is a result of the preparations that you will have made as you walk down that pathway of life. You are blessed that your leadership ability will grow. As you have experiences of all types you will learn by each and every experience. Some of these will try you and test you. They will cause you to have to struggle and to push yourself beyond the bounds of where you have been before, that you may learn and grow and gain in wisdom, and this wisdom will give you understanding of all things that you should know to be a great leader. You will be called upon to fill many important assignments. In these last days there will be trials and tribulations. All of your experience and your growth and your determination will be required for you will be a kingpin in helping solve the problems of others in these last days. (Maybe. We'll see. But I think I'll be concentrating on different "problems" than the dear old patriarch had in mind.)

You are blessed with vision, with a vision of looking into the future, of being able to see what is ahead, of receiving warnings that you should have and of receiving that inspiration, that guidance that is so sorely needed in these last days as there are turmoils and tribulations. (I've always considered myself a bit intuitive. Maybe he got this one right.)

You are blessed with patience, patience to accept others as they are and love them (yep) but at the same time to do your utmost to perfect, to cause them to love God and to walk in righteousness. As you read and study the scriptures they truly will come to life in your mind. There will be those men of God in the scriptures who will be as you would want to be, who will represent the ways that you would want to walk, and they will be of great inspiration unto you.

Remember the gift of repentance. (Oh, boy, here we go.) You are blessed that you will treat this as a jewel, not an oppressive commandment but as a jewel that Christ has given, that all mankind must exercise in order to return unto His presence. As you understand this and live it and teach it unto others, it will bring you much joy. (Can you say "oppressive guilt"?) Through your understanding of it and through your determination, you will be ready for your Maker’s call. You will live many days upon this great and wonderful earth and have much influence upon your brothers and sisters and all mankind. Your hands are blessed that you will be able to do many things with them.

Now as you honor your father and mother and your family, they will listen to you. With patience and longsuffering and through your prayers, you will not lose them in the eternities, and they will not lose you. (Well, my mom did eventually join the church, but only so she could be at my eventual wedding.) They are wonderful people. As you treat them that way they will ever support you and help you in those ways where you will need to be helped.

Now when your time comes the Lord will call you home and will be but as a transition. You will have joys to look forward to in His kingdom. When you are resurrected you will be given a crown of glory. One day the Lord will assign you to that highest of all kingdoms where your Father and your elder brother Jesus Christ dwell. You will be with the family that you have created here upon the earth and you will have eternal increase. (OMG, I've so got it made!)

Now go forward. Keep your head high deviating not to the right nor to the left, but knowing who you are and the holy tabernacle in which you dwell. You are given the desire to take as many loving souls as you can with you along that pathway and you will be blessed in doing this. You are fortified against the power of the destroying angel forever and ever. (Suck it, Satan!) These blessings are yours.

You are to have great faith in the Savior and in the mission that He performed on earth and in this blessing. As a result of that great faith, one day you will know God and His son, Jesus Christ. This blessing is pronounced upon you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Lift The Ban!

I'd Love to Dance With This One!